Joking around Gotham City
by Twisteddarkness225
Summary: Join the most iconic Batman villain, the Joker, as he lives out his life of crime in Gotham. Told in the Joker's POV, characters may act OOC at times. Rated T for language and potentially crude content. Additional warnings will be provided inside. New Chapter: A Joker New Year.
1. Chapter 1

_Here's a little something I threw together on a whim. I was trying to go with what I know and have seen from Batman: The Animated Series but may use other influences as well. Warning: Crude humor, language within along with violence and characters who may or may not be OOC at times. Constructive criticisms are appreciated._

__Disclaimer: I do not own anything in the Batman series or the DC Universe altogether. I make no profit from this story.

_**A Very Joker Christmas**_

Ah, Christmas. It's the most wonderful time of year. Or at least that's what everyone keeps saying about it. Personally I prefer a more sensible holiday like April Fool's Day or Halloween. At least they have some element of fun. Tricks and pranks, pranks and tricks. What more could you ask for? Well, maybe a nuclear powered whoopee cushion, but that's just me.

So anyway as this so called wonderful time of year is going on, I was once again locked up in Arkham. Or at least I was until about ten minutes ago. Pulled another of my infamous escapes. It was nothing really, I just tricked the guards and snuck around the cameras by climbing into the air ducts. Most people think that it's just some stupid stunt that only works in the movies. Luckily for me I was just crazy enough to try it.

It's a funny thing about those air ducts, they go pretty much everywhere. In a matter of minutes I made my way into the generator room. At that point all I had to do was shut off the power to the entire asylum. With the lights out and the electronic locks on the cells out it was just a matter of waiting for the fun to start. I could already hear the rising din of the escapees creating chaos. Oh I just couldn't wait to watch!

Now that the power was out I made my way to the room where they kept all of the confiscated goodies. They had taken some of my favorite toys when they locked me up this time and I wasn't planning on letting them keep them. I wasn't the only one on my way their either. Some of the other infamous villains of Gotham had the same idea. I quickly made my way past them and retrieved my property. One bag of exploding marbles, my acid squirting flower and my favorite rubber chicken.

It didn't take long for me to find the party, especially after the power returned. The lights came on again and you'd have to be blind to miss the riot going on. Either that or just completely stupid. I stood there a moment, admiring the consequences of my actions. The staff at the asylum had been playing Christmas music lately and now it was on again too, playing the Carol of the Bells. It seemed appropriate given how that little piece sounded hectic in of itself at some points and a chuckle escaped me as I saw a guard try to punch Killer Croc in the face. The poor bastard ultimately ended up getting his hand bitten and while I found it initially funny I couldn't but help feeling bad for that stupid move. Croc really shouldn't be going around and getting other's people's blood in his mouth, it a good way to get AIDS you know.

As I made my way to the exit some of the guards got in my way thinking they could stop me. I had thought that this might happen and I'm kind of glad it did. After all it was only fair that I got to have some if the fun too. So with a happy cackle I ran towards them. A little acid in this one's face, a couple of exploding marbles slipped into this guy's underpants and WHAM! I got the last one right in the kisser with my rubber chicken. But being made of rubber and all it only server to piss the guard more than anything else. He came at me and I dodged to the side. As he stumbled past I saw opportunity and I took it.

I kicked him in the balls.

Have you ever seen the look on someone's face when that happens? I couldn't see his but I knew it was hilarious. He fell over onto his side and I continued my escape, but not before enjoying a laugh at his expense. I love being me, I really do.

The rest of the way out was smooth sailing. I didn't run into any more guards and now the only thing standing between me and freedom was the front doors. At least that's what I thought until I opened them and was met with the mother of all blizzards. And to top it off the music had just changed to 'Walking in a Winter Wonderland'. I swear someone was trying to mock me with that one.

It took me a couple of minutes to find a warm coat to steal. I got it from another guard I found in exchange for some marbles. He even let me have his gun too, as a memento. And now that I was better prepared for it, out I went into the frigid white yonder.

The second I got outside I found that the storm was worse than it looked. I could barely see what was in front of me and the wind bit at my face mercilessly. Even with the coat I was still freezing my ass off. I was almost considering turning back when I noticed something interesting.

There was someone else out in this crazy weather. Someone in a refrigerated, clunky, metal suit. I'll give you three guesses who it was. If you guessed Mr. Freeze then you're right! If you didn't then congratulations, you clearly don't know anything. The first qualification for being one of my henchmen! You can pick up an application at any of my hideouts. Applicants will be shot for fun.

I'm not joking, I'll really do it.

Getting back on topic, I ran to catch up with ol' Freezy. He wasn't in any big hurry, not that you should expect a guy dressed up like an over glorified tin man to move very fast. What's more he didn't really react when I finally got close enough to fall into step behind him. I knew he knew I was there, he just wouldn't acknowledge me. And I don't like to be ignored. Besides, the whole point of having a traveling buddy was to have someone to talk with, so I was going to talk whether he wanted me to or not.

"Freezy old boy! Fancy meeting you out here! Out for an evening stroll?" I asked as jovially as possible. He didn't say a word in response and began to pick up the pace, most likely trying to get away from me. Like that was going to work. I closed the gap between us and tried to break the ice again, figuratively speaking of course.

"Anyway I couldn't help but notice that you're heading in the same direction I am and I thought maybe you'd like some company. So what do you say?"

"No."

Quite the conversationalist isn't he? At least I got a verbal response from him this time. So I was making progress. I'd just have to keep it up.

"Well someone sounds like he needs cheering up. I know, how about we sing a song together? Here, I'll get it started, Ahem.

_You're Mr. White Christmas, you're Mr. Snow. You're Mr. Icicle, you're Mr. Ten below._

Take it Freezy!"

Not only did he not pick up where I left off but he shoved me aside and tried to leave me behind again. I wonder what that was all about. Did I give him the cue to early? Does he not like singing? Or maybe I had been off key? Nah, it must be something else. I let him get some distance while I tried to figure out what was going on.

Now let's see, when was the last time Ol' Freezy and I saw each other outside of Arkham? It was back in the summertime I think. Yeah, it was starting to come back to me now. I could remember it like it was just yesterday and…oh…ohh…_ohhh_. Okay I can see why I was being given the cold shoulder. I went to catch up with him again just so I could confirm it.

"Are you still sore about that little stunt I pulled with your wife and the drink mix?"

Judging by the icy glare he was giving me I took his answer was 'yes'. Not very surprising really when you consider what had happened. He hadn't been to happy about it. Not that he's ever really happy to begin with. I however had enjoyed myself for every moment of it. Looking back on it I still can't help but find it funny. Cue the flashback.

_-X-_

It had been about mid-July and I was out pulling a solo heist. My boys Mo, Lar, and Cur were on the other side of Gotham causing trouble to help keep the pigs away. The History museum had just gotten some newly discovered fossil of some long extinct plant. I honestly didn't give a crap about it until I learned what it was worth. I'd have been crazy to pass that opportunity up. Well, crazier.

So while I was in the museum who should I run into but little miss sunshine herself, Poison Ivy. It turns out she was after the same thing as me, who would've guessed.

The plant lady and I have never really seen eye to eye and she really didn't like the idea of letting me be the one to get the rock. We ended up in a heated argument. Well okay, she did all the arguing, I just tossed in some snaky remarks back at her for a quick laugh. But we were both so distracted that we let Batman get the drop on us. I'll spare you the details but we ended up barely escaping and finally lost Batsy by hiding out in an old warehouse.

As it turns out, that warehouse was where Ol' Freezy had set up shop. It was kind of hard to not notice his wife floating in her oversized fish tank in the middle of the room. No really, the damn thing was like a giant fish tank, except it had a cryogenically frozen woman in it. Naturally Ivy wanted to leave once she found out. She like the old icicle even less than she liked me and that's saying something. But what can you expect from two people with such conflicting interests? She would make the world one giant garden if she had the ability while he's just as soon turn in into an ice cube.

So while Ivy was off doing…you know what I don't really know or care what she had been doing back then. I was too busy rummaging through the countless boxes in the place. It was one of those warehouses that supplied products to grocery stores and I had just found a whole box of instant fruit punch flavored drink mix. The gears in my head started turning and the next thing I knew I was carrying as many canisters as I could over to the tank Mrs. Fries was in. After fiddling with the control panel a bit I got the top of the tank open. There was a little staircase that led up to the opening and I started dumping all the mix into the tank with the occupant. It had some kind of filtration system that mixed up all of it for me too.

I had chuckled while I watched it. It just looked so whimsical, the red drink swirling around the frozen woman in the tank. And as much as I was enjoying it I had to divert my attention from it so I could move onto steps two through four of my little plan.

Step 2: Grab the plant lady and drag her to the tank.

Step 3: Throw her in and laugh.

Step 4: Wait until she surfaces, make an inappropriate comment and laugh some more.

Finding Ivy was easy enough. She seemed more interested in looking around Freezy's hideout than leaving it all of the sudden. She probably was hoping to find something she could use against him if they ever ended up at each other's throats. So she wasn't really paying attention to me. Big mistake. I nonchalantly strolled over to her, whistling and pretending to look around. Then, once I was close enough I grabbed her and slung her over my shoulder. She _really _didn't like that. She struggled, pounded her fists on my back and used some pretty foul language. I actually learned a few new words that day.

By the time I got back to the tank with her she was starting to wear on my nerves. I really got aggravated when she called me a 'poor excuse for a clown' and then told me that no one thought I was funny. Ouch. But I got her back for that little shot at my pride by taking one at hers. So I gave her a not so affectionate slap on the ass. That's when she really started to kick and squirm. She managed to push away and escape from my grasp just as I got to my destination. So she ended up throwing herself into the tank. Now _that_ was funny.

"Now look at what you've done Ivy. You went and dyked the punch!" I spat out when he head surfaced. And then I laughed. It felt absolutely wonderful.

_-X-_

Hmm? What's that? Oh, did you not like that offensive thing I said? Well pardon my potty mouth. For crying out loud I've murdered people, is foul language really that surprising? Get over it. Or better yet, blame the writer.

Anyway to sum the story up, Freezy walked in on that little scenario and I was sent back to Arkham as an ice sculpture. Something that might end up happening again if I didn't play my cards right. Luckily for me I always have an ace up my sleeve.

"Alright I get it. You weren't happy about it, but come on man! It's in the past! It isn't like I was trying to hurt her or anything, she was never intended to be the victim of my prank. That's just how things turned out. Be honest now, if I had taken her out you'd have been much angrier. But that isn't what happened and she's still alive isn't she?"

Silence. And not the kind from earlier when he was ignoring me or on the verge of hurting me. I could tell that he was thinking over what I had said. So at least I could say that I was no longer tops on his list of most hated people. I had probably moved down to third or fourth place. I'd like to think that I was still in the top five. And now that I was making progress, it only seemed to be the right time for one of my wisecracks.

"Besides, you have to admit, the little lady looked nice in red."

Suddenly Freeze was in front of me, looking much angrier than before and pointing his weapon at me. And I don't mean the handheld version but that freaking freeze cannon. Where the hell did he get that from? I know I didn't see him carrying it earlier. Or maybe I really just didn't notice it? Am I that oblivious?

I think I'm spending too much time around Harley.

I didn't dare move a muscle. It was either freeze or be frozen and I really didn't want to get any frostbite. After a few minutes of the tension stirring between up he slowly lowered his weapon and left. Safe to say I wouldn't be following him after that scene happened. You know for a guy who's supposedly too cold to feel any emotion he sure did get angry easily enough. Not that I can blame him. I know I'd have a pretty short temper too if I had a permanent case of blue-balls.

So now I was left to travel alone in the dark, cold night. Fortunately I had a hideout close by so I'd soon be in familiar surroundings with the luxuries of decent food and a warm bed available.

I arrived at my hideout and instantly noticed something was off. The door was left wide open. Moving in to take a closer look I found a set of slushy foot prints leading inside, a pool of blood further in right next to…Hey! A dead body! Dibs!

It was one of my men. His throat had been cut; by his own knife apparently. Idiot. I found two others in the room who had shared the same fate. I really have to stop hiring high school dropouts. They're nothing but attitude.

I took a quick look around to see how the rest of the place was. I found someone rummaging around in the fridge and it wasn't one of my boys. It was some bulky, potato-headed oaf dressed up in a Santa suit. His Santa hat and fake white beard were off and set aside on the counter while he stuffed his face with my food. But the one thing I noticed more than anything else was that he had the abbreviations for each of the twelve months tattooed around his lumpy, bald head.

Julian Day. A.K.A. Calendar-Man.

Of course that holiday wrecking weirdo would be committing crimes tonight. And of course it just had to be _my_ hideout he decided to visit! I could already guess how it happened too. He had come up to the door in his little get-up and knocked, probably to pretend to sing Christmas carols or something stupid like that. Then when the door was answered he made his move, killed my men, stomped inside tracking snow and slush all over the place and just started to make himself at home.

And just like that any chance I had at a relaxing night was out the window along with my good mood. But lucky for me I knew just the thing to cheer myself up. Violence, pure and simple. And I'm not talking about the kind that they can't show on Saturday morning cartoons anymore.

"Calendar-man!" I barked out as I stormed over to him. He pulled his face away from the contents of my refrigerator and looked over at me. Our eyes met, his showing a hint of craziness. Of course my eyes show nothing but pure crazy so I didn't consider him a threat. Not losing my attitude I got right in his face.

"Let me tell you something buster. You can break into my hideout, you can kill my men, you can even steal my food from me. But you do not, I repeat you _do NOT _walk into my place without wiping your feet first!"

He blinked at me stupidly and then he smiled. It was as if there was some joke that only he was in on. God it was pissing me off. Just what did he find so funny? I found out just what when I heard a 'click' and saw him point a gun at me. My gun, well the one I took from that guard I killed back at Arkham. At least I got the joke now. And to be honest, his sense of humor sucks!

Alright, so no with my play of teaching him to catch a bullet with his face wasn't happening. Better go with plan B. I moved my hand, slowly and discretely to my pocket and felt for the little bulb that went to my squirting flower. Once I found it all I needed was to distract the big oaf.

"Hey look! Is that a distraction?" I asked nonchalantly. As I expected the moron went to look for it and that's when I squeezed the bulb, shooting my patented Joker gas right in his face. The second he breathed it in he started to laugh. It increased with each passing and then his face twisted up into that wonderfully ghoulish smile and froze as he fell silent. He wasn't dead, but I bet that he was wishing he was.

What? What's with the look? Yes, I just shot my poisonous joker venom into his face and yes it was with the same flower I used to squirt acid on the guard back at Arkham. No I didn't stop at all to change the contents of it. And don't you dare expect me to explain just how I pulled it off. A joke isn't as funny when you have to explain it.

So anyways, now that nuisance was taken care of, but on the downside I now had a giant smiling lump lying on my floor. Luckily the problem itself contained its own solution. The big lug was dressed as Santa Claus and the hideout could do with a little decorating to give it the Christmas spirit. It took some doing but I got him back up on his feet and leaned him up against the wall. Then I grabbed his fake beard and Santa hat and put them back on his head. Amazing, simply amazing.

I didn't think he could look any uglier!

I tried to get some more decorations up but there really wasn't a lot around. Like I mentioned at the beginning, Christmas really isn't my kind holiday. I considered going out for some yuletide pranking but for some odd reason I just didn't want to go by myself. I would want someone to come along, you know, to be an accomplice. That or a patsy in case Batsy showed up.

…wait just a minute now. I think I've just had my best, and therefore craziest, idea ever! I was going to spend Christmas Eve with Batman! To the Gotham Police Department!

What? I told you it was crazy.

Navigating through the city streets had been much less of a hassle than earlier now that the storm had let up. And getting to the roof of the GPD was even easier. Don't ask me how I did it, just remember what a resourceful little rascal I am.

It only took me a moment to find that giant flashlight they had to signal Batman. I turned it on and this it was time to play the waiting game. After about fifteen seconds I was becoming infuriatingly bored. Where the hell was he?! Doesn't he care that there could be people in danger? I mean there weren't any, but I could fix that. Hell I would if it would get his sorry caped ass down here faster. I'll give him just five more… oh screw it, I'm going to go blow something up!

I went to leave when who should I see, not Batsy, but his young sidekicks Nightwing and Robin. Not who I had been hoping for obviously but I could make it work. I just had to make sure that they knew I meant them no harm for a change.

"Hello boys! Merry Christmas!"

They didn't exactly seem as enthusiastic to see me as I would've thought. I wasn't expecting them to be jumping for joy but is it too much to ask for a response? Nightwing was just glaring at me from behind his mask like Bats would and little Robin was doing the same. But at least they weren't trying to deck me, that was a start.

"Sheesh, you two are looking as dark and brooding as Batsy. You might want to try spending a little less time under his wing."

"What are you up to Joker?" Nightwing demanded of me. It was pretty clear that he thought I was up to something dangerous and who can blame him? I mean just look at the situation here. I, the Joker, am standing on the roof of the Gotham Police Station and using the Bat-Signal. Wouldn't you find it really suspicious? Heck, even I was starting to thing I was up to something.

"Me? Oh, I'm just a little lonely. I've got no one to spend the holidays with this year." I told them, throwing in a sad pout and puppy dog eyes for effect.

They didn't buy it for a second. Well, time to use the direct approach. "Alright, I'm bored and was sort of hoping that Batsy was around so we could hang." I said before letting out a chuckle at the pun I had finished with. I walked over, not getting too close mind you. I wanted them to hear me out, which was easier if neither of them was in the middle of trying to hit me.

"So since your brooding babysitter isn't here, how about we spend some quality time together? You know, go out on the town for some fun?"

"Do you honestly expect us to believe you?" Nightwing asked, not wavering form his 'set-in-stone' glare that he was giving me. Then little Robby stepped forward, pointing an accusing finger at me. "Yeah, we know this is just one of your jokes!"

"As surprising as this may be, I'm actually serious. Come on, we'll have a great time! I know a place where we can pick up a couple of girls. We'll take them back to my place for some privacy. I'll pick out mine, you pick out yours and then the fun can start. Me and my girl will begin the festivities and you can follow up on the other side. Then after a while we'll switch partners for a bit. After that we'll make them go at it with each other while we watch. Once they've tired out then it can just be you and me going at it all night. What do you say? Are you in?"

A look of disgust came to Nightwing's face. I guess he wasn't in. strange, I wouldn't have thought he'd have such an aversion to the idea. Whatever, I just shrugged and turned my attention to the kid.

"How about you big guy? If we get going now we can be back at my place before it gets too late."

No sooner did these words leave my mouth than did Nightwing step in between ma and the kid. He looked ready to rip my head off if he had too. His behavior was a bit odd and I couldn't help but wonder…

"The hell is your problem?"

"Take a guess you sick, demented freak!" He spat, a malicious look in his eyes. Or at least I think there was. Its sort of hard to tell with the mask. Either way I was insulted. "Hey, take it easy bird brain. I wasn't going to hurt him. Just take him out for some fun."

"He isn't interested! Besides, he's still a kid!"

"Oh? Well why not let him say it for himself? Because I bet he would be interested in it. In fact, I bet any kid would."

My reasoning only seemed to make him angrier. I took a step back from him and prepared to defend myself if necessary. I had brought my toys along with me just in case. But I wanted to see I could avoid resorting to using them. Not that I'd be against killing one of Batsy's sidekicks.

"Easy now, like I said before I'm not looking for a fight. So lets settle this like adults and use our words. What exactly seems to be the problem?"

"For starters, you're a sick, demented pervert." He told me flatly.

Okay, now I was starting to get confused. I've been called 'sick' and 'demented' often enough, but 'pervert'? That was definitely a new one. I mean I've certainly done my share of things with the fairer sex, especially since Harley came into my life, but I know I'm not as bad as some of the sickos out there.

"Now hold on just one minute." I said, a defensive tone in my voice. "You mind telling me just what's so perverted about playing Ping-Pong?"

Well that certainly caught him off guard. Now he was the one who looked confused. It was like I hadn't been clear when I had made my offer earlier. And just how could anyone have misinterpreted what I had said? …oh.

And then it clicked.

"You're a dirty little birdie, you know that? And you called _me_ a pervert!" I said, glaring at him. I mean really, the audacity. I had half a mind to slap him. Oh the hell with it. "I'm going to slap you now."

I raised my hand up to do it. To slap him right across his pretty boy face. But before I could bring my hand down on him someone grabbed my wrist. Someone with a surprisingly strong grip. I looked back and there he was. There was simply no mistaking him. That dark cape, that black cowl with the pointed ears, that grim, no-nonsense expression on his face.

"Batsy!" I happily exclaimed, pulling free from his grip. I was so happy to see him that I almost hugged him. Luckily I didn't. Batsy just wasn't the hugging type. He was more the 'touch me and I'll hang you by your ankles from the tallest building in Gotham' type. So it was always a good idea to let him have his personal space.

"You showed up at just the right time. I thing you might want to have a talk with junior over there. I was inviting him to play some Ping-Pong and he somehow translated it to 'let's go plow some snow bunnies'."

As to be expected from Batsy he didn't even crack a smile. I'm working on it though. I'll get him to smile one day even if it kills me, which odds are it will. But that's for another day. It's Christmas so good will toward all men and all that crap. And just for the record, that _not _including what I did earlier to those guards at Arkham or Calendar-Man.

"Anyways Batsy I'm going to make you the same offer I did with Night-perv and the Tweety bird. Up for some Ping-Pong?"

"I'll pass." he said in his usual monotone. "But I'm glad I found you. I have a present for you."

Wha…? Really!? I was stunned. Of all the people he could possibly know, Batsy got little ol' me a present. I just couldn't express how touched I was. So I settled for the next best thing. I got right up in his face, grinning like the maniac I was and bouncing on the balls of my feet.

"Ooh, what is it? Gimme, gimme, gimme!"

"Batsy reached down to his belt and plucked a capsule off of it. He held it up to my eye level and popped the top from it. Then a mist sprayed out of it, right into my face. I couldn't help but breath it in.

"Mmm, smells like cinnamon! What is it? Some kind of cologne?"

"Knockout gas."

And then the world went black.

-X-

I awoke later in a daze. I was lying on a cold, uncomfortable bed, the smell of cinnamon still tantalizing my nostrils. As I sat up I quickly learned of just where I was. Back in Arkham Asylum, in the same damned cell I had escaped from earlier. It didn't take a genius to figure out what had happened.

In all honesty I really should have seen that coming. Falling for that trick was just plain stupid of me. There was no other way to put it, it was just plain stupid.

I really am spending too much time with Harley!

Getting up from the bed I noticed Batsy standing outside of the cell. If he was expecting a 'thank you' then he was going to be very disappointed. I went over to stand in front of him, offering up my usual smile.

"Good to see that you haven't left yet. Listen Batsy, I hate to do this to you, but is there a chance I could return my present?"

He didn't smile, big shocker, or say anything in response really. I guess he was waiting to see if I was going to continue. When I didn't he finally spoke up.

"There's going to be a hearing in three days regarding the crimes you committed today and how it will affect your current sentence. Try and behave yourself until then at the very least."

Crimes? What in the world was he going on about. Oh, right. All the stuff I did earlier. Almost forgot about all of that. I wonder if I'll get another life sentence. That would be great, I'm trying to set a world record.

While I was lost in my thoughts Batsy turned to leave. His departure snapped me back to reality and I went to catch up, only succeeding in hurting myself as I had forgotten I was currently locked up. Damn it Harley!

"Batsy, wait up just a sec! Obviously tonight's a no go, but we can reschedule right? You and I both know that I'll be back out by New Year's! How about then? Batsy? Batsy!"

It was no use. He either didn't here me of just plain didn't care. Most likely the latter knowing him. Well if he wants to be that way then fine! But I'm still going to get the last say in the matter.

"Well bah humbug to you too!"

Merry Christmas, I'll see you again in a week.

End.


	2. A Joker New Year

_****_Here's the next chapter for those of you still interested in this story. This will be the only other holiday related chapter unless I think up something else for later on. Warnings: This chapter contains blood, brief nudity and some crudeness.

Disclaimer: I don't own Batman or any of the DC Universe characters. I make no money from this story.

_**A Joker New Year**_

Wow! That was amazing! Oh hey, it's you. You just missed it. I broke out of Arkham again. But this time I did so a little more festively. You see I have a little hidey-hole somewhere in the asylum. It's where I stow away some fun little goodies for emergencies or for when I'm just horribly bored. These goodies include knives, high powered joy buzzers, stink bombs, smoke bombs, joker gas bombs, flares, matches, lighter fluid, nonperishable food stolen from the asylum's kitchen, whoopee cushions, wind-up chattering teeth, balloons, clean underwear, etc. On occasion I've also hidden some explosives there. If you're wondering how I get them inside Arkham, well let's just say that I know people.

Returning to my escape, it required two things in addition to some additional help from an acquaintance I have inside Arkham. In just a short period of time I had a whoopee cushion packed with plastic explosives placed ever so appropriately in the warden's office. I then got outside just in time for the fireworks.

It was magnificent.

With almost everyone now distracted by my stunt I quickly made a run for it. I wasn't slowed down by any guards and soon enough I was back at my nearest hideout, the same one I had gone to for my Christmas Eve escape. Since then some of my boys had been to the place to keep watch over and to welcome me back. I had better not find them all dead like the last time.

Fortunately they were all live and well when I arrived. But I did come across a rather familiar sight. Do you recall my little run in with Calendar-Man last week? Well get this, he was there in my hideout, leaned against the wall in his Santa suit and wearing that hideously goofy grin behind his fake beard. My boys were standing around him, almost as if he was the eighth wonder of the world, the simpletons. But I'm forgetting my manners, let me introduce them.

The first thing you ought to know is that over the years I've had many minions, lackeys, scapegoats, patsies, punching bags, yes-men, etc. But out of all of them these three have survived everything. Gunfire, prison, encounters with Batman even! They've also endured me on my worst days and every one of Harley's hissy-fits. I give you my most reliable minions, Bonkers, Dum-Dum and Twitchy!

Oh and if you're wondering about Mo, Lar, and Cur; I lost them to Scarface in a poker game. Yeah, I really didn't think that one through. Puppets have the best poker faces.

Back to business then. Starting off with Bonkers the first thing I should point out is that he's black. That's right, the Joker doesn't discriminate when he adds to his gang. Bonkers was raised on the mean city streets and defected from his old crew to join mine. He's pretty damn devoted to me and all I stand for. And while he still wears his old street clothes and has his hair in cornrows, he does wear clown make up. The standard white face paint with red around the eyes, mouth and a little dab just on the tip of the nose. He's sort of the leader for the other two. When Harley and I aren't around, he's gives the orders.

Next up is Dum-Dum, affectionately named so because he doesn't have two brain cells to rub together. Dum-Dum's a middle aged Caucasian with a shaved head. I have him wear a clown nose just to decorate him a bit, one of the honking ones. He's a pretty big fellow, built like a tank. I'm not saying that he's got what it takes to take someone like Bane on, but he's still stronger than the average thug. Has a pretty bad attitude too. The only reason I trust him is because he's got this blind loyalty thing going on. He never hesitates to do what he's told so long as the orders are from me, Harley or Bonkers. All in all he's not someone you want to try and get into a fight with.

Finally there's Twitchy, a scrawny little shrimp of a man with a rat like face and balding black hair on his head. Bet you can guess how he got his name. That's right! He's a shaky little bastard and a coward to boot. But he's also one of the most adept pick pockets I've ever met. No, really, that's how I met him. He was trying to rob me and I caught him. Now he works for me and is too afraid to dare defy anyone in my gang. He'd ask for permission to breathe if he though he had too.

Well that's it, my three best and brightest. Boy do I have a lot to be ashamed of. But you know what they say, beggars can't be choosers. And speaking of choices I really ought to do something with that Christmas decoration I left out.

"Quit gawking at him and stow him in the basement!" I told them as I walked past. When they didn't get to it I knew something was up and I waited to see just what excuse they could possibly have. Bonkers stepped forward, scratching the back of his head.

"Uh, boss? This place doesn't have a basement."

"Then put it in the attic! Oh wait, no attic either. The garage, put it in there."

"But the hyenas are in there."

"Good," I said "then we won't have to feed them for at least a week. And while we're on the subject of eating, I'm hungry enough to eat almost anything. Even Harley's cooking sounds good right about now. Where is she anyway?"

They didn't answer me, they were hesitating. I hate when that happens, it usually means that there's something they don't want to tell me. And if there's one thing that I truly hate it's bad news. Than and mimes. God do those weirdoes piss me off.

"Well? I asked you a question, answer it!" I spat, feeling my patience starting to wear thin. Bonkers hesitated again but finally screwed up the courage to speak to me.

"She was here earlier but left when that plant lady came looking for her. I don't know where they went. They could be anywhere by now."

"As far as you know maybe." I corrected. "But your ol' uncle J has experience dealing with the psycho hippie chick. I know just where to start looking. Twitchy! Bring the van out front and you two hurry up and put that filthy thing in the garage! We're heading out as soon as I grab a couple of things.

And I call shotgun!"

-X-

One short car ride later me and the boys found ourselves parked outside of Ivy's usual hideout, the place by the toxic waste dump. I told Twitchy to stay at the wheel while Bonkers and Dum-Dum waited outside. In all honesty the less time I had to spend near Ivy the better so I wanted to be ready to make an exit if push came to shove. I'd have Bonkers and Dum-Dum distract the flower girl until I got Harley in the van. Then Twitchy would get us out of there. That was one of his good points, his cowardice really helped him when it came to burning rubber.

I went up to the front door of the place and banged my fist on it. After a couple seconds of waiting I heard the locks being unlocked and then the door opened. The moment she saw me a look came to her face like someone had just held fresh dung under her nose.

"Oh, it's you." She said with spite dripping from her voice.

"You were perhaps expecting baby new year?" I replied with a happy and almost mocking tone that I knew was just pissing her off. "Let's say we skip the pleasantries and just cut to the chase? I know Harley's here and I'm bringing her back home with me. So be a good girl and hand her over."

"Puddin'!"

Well that was easy. I didn't even have to hear any smartass remarks from little miss sunshine. Harley came bounding over to me of her own free will. She wasn't in her usual attire, instead wearing a white t-shirt and a pair of lacy, red panties. Come to think of it, Ivy was dressed similarly aside of the fact that her undies were green. In fact this wasn't the first time I'd found them dressed like this and it wasn't hard for me to guess why. Damn you Ivy, you stupid lesbian.

What? Come on now you can't tell me that you think she's straight. I know she's been with a couple of different guys but each time it's either been so she can take advantage of them or to kill them. And don't anyone dare bring up that 'house and garden' episode. That guy she was married to wasn't even human! He was some kind of plant monster!

Whoops. I didn't just break the fourth wall did I? Oh well, whatever. Back to business.

"Harley put your face on and get dressed. We need to get going before it gets too late."

Harley didn't hesitate to run off to do as I told her. She seemed ecstatic at the idea of coming with me. Which was more than I can say for Ivy. The way she was glaring at me, you'd think she was trying to make my head explode with her thoughts. Now wouldn't that be a sight to see? However before either of us could see if she'd be successful, Harley tore past us and outside to the van. My cue to leave.

"Well Pammie it's been a real displeasure seeing you again. Let's avoid meeting up again anytime soon."

"Don't think this means anything!" Ivy said while I was turning to leave. "Just because she chose to go back to you, again, doesn't mean she'll forget how you treat her. You'll end up pushing her away again and next time she might finally decide that she doesn't want to put up with your abuse anymore and leave you for good!"

"Uh-huh, whatever. You keep enjoying your little fantasies. I've got some things to take care of in the real world."

I left before she could waste anymore of my time. The boys and I got back into the van to find Harley attempting to take the wheel from Twitchy. Like Hell that was going to happen. I've got nothing against a woman driving, but Harley is the reason the 'women can't drive' stereotype even exists. I'd sooner let someone without arms and legs drive than her!

"Harley let Twitchy drive. It's really the only thing he does without having an aneurism. Come and sit back here with me won't you?"

Yeah I know, I can't believe I said that either. But it's the lesser of two evils, and one that I can survive from. Plus with all the time I've known Harley I think I could handle her brainless chatter by now.

-X-

Oh good lord was I ever wrong. What in the hell had I been thinking? I'd rather risk getting killed in a car crash! Please, oh please let it all just end! How can someone so simple cause such a horrific mixture of fear and disgust to well up inside of someone like me!?

"I'm just sayin' Puddin', maybe we should find a nice place to settle down someday. You know, a cozy little place just for you, me and the babies!"

Ugh, I think I just threw up in my mouth a bit. It's a good thing that I know the 'babies' are the hyenas and not actual children that she wants or I'd really have lost it. Better change the subject before she can make that happen.

"Well that's just something we'll have to put aside for now. We've got all the time in the world to look into it. But right now we've got more important matters to attend to. I've made some fun plans for the evening and I just know we'll all have a great time!"

And mission accomplished, Harley had now completely forgotten that stupid thing she'd been blabbing on about for the last ten minutes or so. Now she was bouncing happily in her seat like a child who just learned she was going to the amusement park. I hate to admit it but she really can be cute sometimes. Cute like a little puppy or a Chihuahua. I like Chihuahuas.

They're fun to kick.

The thought of kicking Harley like a Chihuahua crossed my mind but I decided against it. There just wasn't enough room in the can for me to do it properly. That and it would spoil Harley's good mood and I needed her to stay happy. She's more cooperative that way. And to achieve my goals today I'd need cooperation from everyone involved.

"Twitchy! Pull over here!" I said. When we came to a stop I got up from my seat, having to stand a little hunched over, and addressed my little gang of misfits. "Alrighty everyone I have an announcement. Since it's New Year's Eve we'll be enjoying some festivities tonight. However I couldn't seem to decide whether we should throw a party or crash one. It took me a bit of thinking but eventually I had the best idea, we'll do both! A little 'bash and crash' if you will. I'll explain it in more detail later. First, Bonkers! Dum-Dum! I need you two to get some supplies for the party we're throwing. We'll need snacks, drinks, something sweet and I'm in the mood for pizza so get that too. It doesn't matter where you get it. Carjack a pizza delivery boy for all I care, just make sure you're both back at the hideout by five when it's time to get started.

Bonkers gave a firm nod and exited the van with Dum-Dum following. I claimed the front seat and gave my attention to my remaining two companions. "Twitchy we need to go make another stop. Head for that weirdo the Mad Hatter's hideout. You should remember the way. When we get there Harley and I will be paying him a little visit."

"Ooh, are we inviting him over for the party Puddin'?" Harley asked.

"Not exactly." I answered her. "You remember when I said we'd also be crashing a party? Well our old buddy Jervis is going to help us with that. Whether he wants to or not." I finished with a cackle.

-X-

The Hatter's little hideaway is exactly as predictable as you might expect. It was an old hat shop, the kind where you can find the goofy looking toppers that idiot puts on his head. No doubt the inside of the place had been redecorated to suit his weird little fantasies as well. It was a bit sad really.

Harley and I got out of the van and went for the entrance to the shop. I had gone over my plan with her before we got there so all we needed was to hope that the Mad Hatter was home. Not that anyone should expect a loser like him to have much of a social life.

The inside of the place was just as sad as I thought it would be. We found Hatter in the back room, sitting at a large dining table littered with old teapots and cracked tea cups. Countless chairs circled the table with the Hatter seated in a rather lavish, although terribly worn arm chair. There was a stuffed toy rabbit in the chair to his right and a dead mouse in a cup in front of the seat to his left.

Wow, this guy has problems. And I whole heartedly approve. I really do.

"Jervy my dear old friend! Or perhaps I should call you Hattie? You know what? I like that better, Hattie it is!"

He looked genuinely shocked to see someone in his hideout. It was like we had caught him while he was touching himself…ugh, bad choice of words on my part. Sorry about that, let's pretend it never happened.

Anyway Hattie seemed at a loss for words at the moment. Not to mention he also seemed completely unsure of how to react to us just barging in. So I took advantage of that.

"Listen I hate to bother you at home but I have a favor to ask you. Do you have that new toy of yours handy by any chance? I was hoping to borrow it."

"You, you want to what?" he asked. I had to resist the urge to roll my eyes and insult him. His social skills really did need some work. But nobody is perfect, a fact of life that I loved to exploit.

"Come now old friend, don't be coy. We know you've got a magnificent new gizmo and we would just love to test it out for you. So how about it?"

He got up, shaking his head. "No, absolutely not. I'm not handing it over to you. Especially for nothing!"

I laughed. He really can be a funny little man sometimes. "Nothing? Now just who said I wanted it for nothing? I plan on giving you something in return. Something that I think you'll like very much. Come with me a moment." I threw my arm around his shoulder and led him to one side of the room. "Now I know you lead a lonely life, Hattie. Anyone could guess that from seeing this room alone. So here's my offer for you. Let me have that new toy of yours so I can put it to good use and in exchange I'll allow you to play a round of seven minutes in heaven with Harley over there."

My offer seemed to intrigue him. His eyes widened and a slight red tint came to his cheeks. It was quite sad really, I know I keep saying that about him but it's true. But I'm not going to waste sympathy on him, or really anybody for that matter. Not my style.

"Do you really intend to do that Joker?" he asked. I smiled and leaned closer. "Well if it isn't enough we'll make it ten, no wait, how about a whole fifteen minutes of alone time with my Harley? Does that sound good to you? And just to make sure that you understand my offer, you get to do anything and I do mean _anything_ with her once you're both alone. You can even take the offer up right here and now. Just let me have what I want and I'll step outside so you two can be alone. Do we have a deal?"

He was only too eager to accept. We shook hands, after I took my joy buzzer off of course, and he gave me what I was looking for. It was his newest mind control chip and its head band controller. Once placed on it's target the wearer of the head band would be allowed complete symbiotic control. In other words they'd take a step each time the controller did, they'd say whatever the controller says at the same time they say it and even breath in sync with the controller. It's an absolutely wonderful toy and in the right hands, specifically my hands, there was no end to the amount of fun you could have with it.

True to my word I left the room so Harley could fulfill the bargain I'd made with Hattie. I stepped back out front to the shop and closed the door behind me. The instant I did I heard Harley's footsteps as she ran over to him and a lout thud from when she tackled him to the ground. The sounds of a struggle broke out and then he started to scream. I probably should have told him that while he was welcome to do as he pleased with Harley, that she could do the same with him. And I maybe should have also told him what a sadistic little thing she could b. Oh well, he's clearly aware of that now and he did want to be left alone with her for a whole fifteen minutes.

The time passed by before I knew it. Harley emerged from the back room with a wide smile, and some blood splattered on her face. It was one of those rare moments where I actually saw her as beautiful.

"All taken care of Puddin'"

"Is he dead?"

Harley shook her head. "Nope! But he's probably wishing he was!" she finished with a delightfully demented little giggle. I threw my arm around her shoulder, pulling her in close. "That's my girl! Now let's head back home now shall we? We have a party to throw and another to ruin!"

-X-

Twitchy got us back to the hideout just in time to find Bonkers and Dum-Dum heading inside. Dum-Dum was laden with bags of snacks and booze dangling from his arms and a stack of pizza boxes in his hands. Bonkers on the other hand was in a rush to get inside. Looked like he had to wash some poor bastard's blood off of himself. It's good to know my boys work so hard.

We all got back inside and started to get things ready. Harley helped the boys set out food and drinks while I tinkered with my latest acquisition. Like any of the toys the Mad Hatter has it needed to be placed on the target's head somewhere. He used hats or headbands with little chips hidden away in them. But I'm not a haberdasher, I am a prankster so I'll be taking a different approach. All I'd need is some chewing gum and a daring volunteer.

"Oh Twitchy! I've got a job for you!"

-X-

Twitchy is a master at quick jobs and even quicker getaways. So he wasn't gone half as long as it would have taken me. Other members of my gang were coming in for the party when he returned so we all got to enjoy the panicked look on his face when he came charging back into the hideout as if the devil himself was hot on his heels. All I had him do was run up behind Harvey Bullock and slap some chewed up gum on the back of his head. I had hidden the chip inside and matted one side of the gum with fake hair so it would be hard to see. And knowing what an idiot Bullock could be sometimes, he would be none the wiser to my plan. He'd just think that some jerk slapped him in the back of the head and then ran off. Just like I wanted.

Now that the gang was pretty much all present and accounted for it was time to get the party started. I snagged some food and let the others start enjoying themselves. Normally I'd be the first to enjoy one of out parties but at the moment I had other things on my mind. I needed to use the eyes I had hidden all over Gotham to see when Bullock would be returning to the Gotham Police Dept. They were having their annual New Year's party and that was the one I wanted to crash. And as luck would have it he was practically there after just a few short minutes.

I stood up and beckoned over the others. "It's time, get over here you morons! Now as I said earlier, we'll also be crashing a party and here's how we're going to do it. Using the new toy from our dear friend the Mad Hatter, we'll take control of Detective Harvey Bullock and make him make an absolute ass of himself! This will ruin the cops New Year's Eve party and give us some quality entertainment. Now we'll need someone to be the puppet master and I have just the person in mind. Harley!"

Harley squealed in delight, annoying the crap out of me and then she started to jump up and down like a child on a sugar rush. It took me forever to get her to shut up and sit still so I could put the headband component into her jester's hat. Once it was set up and put the image of the cop's party up on the biggest monitor.

"Alright, now you just do whatever and lets see if this gizmo works."

I directed Harley to stand next to the monitors so we could watch them and her at the same time. She started by raising her hand and waving to us all. On the screen Bullock did the same. Next she flung out both of her arms and spun around. This resulted with Bullock slapping Commissioner Gordon's daughter across the tata's and earned him a slap across the face, giving us all a good laugh. Sadly Harley couldn't feel it when it happened but it was still amusing to see the confused look on Bullock's face.

Harley kept up her shenanigans for a while longer, earning lots of negative attention for Detective Bullock. At one point she started to dance rather provocatively, singing that milkshake song. You know, the one that goes 'my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard' or something like that. The boys and I couldn't stop laughing when we saw fat boy do it too, he was even singing as bad as Harley was! But that wasn't the best part.

As she finished up her dance Harley started up a little striptease. It wasn't really anything special. Her outfit was pretty much just a one piece suit. She started with her shoes and socks, tossing them aside carelessly. She then turned her back to us and slowly started to slip out of her clothes. Her shoulders emerged and more and more of her backside became exposed. Finally the upper part of her suit slid down and she was left naked from the waist up.

Well hello, hello.

Harley wiggled her hips, both further enticing her audience and causing her outfit to slip over them. It dropped down around her ankles, leaving her only in her hat, bra and panties. She giggled and turned to face us, blowing a little kiss in my direction.

I bet you enjoyed all of that just now didn't you? Well if you did then I'm about to ruin it for you. Please keep in mind that every single thing that Harley just did was mimicked by Bullock. If you need a to go ad hug the porcelain throne for a minute then go ahead. I'll wait.

All righty, are we all set now? Good, back to the party. Harley looked at the monitors and frowned. She brought her hands down to her hips, grasping at the air next to them and whipped her arms upwards again, as if she was tearing off a pair of pants. In fact, I believe that's exactly what she was doing because Bullock just tore his pants clean off and was now swinging them over his head just like Harley was now pretending to do. She then screamed like a lunatic and bolted out the front door into the cold. I looked to the monitor immediately, expecting to see Bullock have run into a wall or something. Instead I see everyone else in the room either rushing to the nearest window or heading out the door. Huh, I think Harley actually guided him safely back outside. Now what are the odds of that?

Oh good lord, do you realize what's going on? There's a half naked, fat man prancing about just outside of the GPD. Now that's something that I just _have_ to see in person. I ran out, telling the boys to keep the party going. I saw Harley playing in the snow when I got outside and I went over to her.

"Harley whatever you do, don't stop. In fact have as much fun as you can! Got it?"

"Anything for you sweetie!"

And with that I was off. Sorry to say that this is where we part ways for a little while but don't you worry! Uncle Joker is going to be back with more fun than you'll know what to do with! See you next year!

End.


	3. An April Fool's Joker

Sorry for the wait on this but i ended up spending more time thinking up outlines for future chapters than i did writing them. hopefully i can post more often now that i've got this whole series though out.

Disclaimer: I don't own Batman or any of the other DC universe characters. i make no money from this story.

**An April Fool's Joker**

Well hello there what's-your-face! You have great timing you know that? I'm about to get started on my agenda for the best day of the year, APRIL FOOL'S DAY! Oh how I love this delightfully underappreciated day. I was born for it! And by that I mean me, the Joker and not the me that I was before I became the Joker. Anyway I got a list of targets to hit today with my own brand of ingenious little pranks and boy, are you in for a show! I'm even going to try and achieve my ultimate goal of getting ol' Batsy this year too! But I'm saving him for last since I don't want to start the main event too soon. In the meantime I have plenty of my own followers to relentlessly harass. The best perk of being a boss in my own humble opinion.

Now I'm sorry to say that a lot of my boys are not currently present but I do have a few newbies that need to be broken in. So with the help of my slightly more valuable associates Bonkers and Dum-Dum, I'll start up a friendly little game of paintball. I'd have Twitchy join in but I wouldn't trust that little weirdo with any kind of gun if you told me my life depended on it.

We crept into the room where about a dozen or so of the little snots were lazing about and Bonkers and Dum-Dum flanked them from both sides. I gave the cue and all three of us started to blast them with balls of green and purple paint. The way they jumped when they got hit from the first few shots was pretty funny but after that they dove for cover and became a little harder to shoot. And since they would most likely stay hidden until they were capable of fighting back I opted to indulge in the spirit of fairness and relinquish some paintball guns for them to use in retaliation.

And so it began; a friendly game of paintball between the top contenders of my gang and the newly hired meat. I'll admit they put up a fairly entertaining fight. We improvised some cover by overturning furniture and tearing some doors off their hinges for barricades. The little bastards even managed to get the drop on me a couple times, splattering my outfit with spots of paint here and there. All in all we had a pretty good time and each of us got a laugh out of it.

"Okay you peons; you've proven your mettle in the heat of a firefight well enough!" I said aloud to them after calling a momentary ceasefire and dropping my paintball gun, having the other two on my team follow suit. "I'd even dare to say I may just bring you out on the next job considering how well you all did. However we all must realize that there is a distinct difference between a fun round of paintball and a real life situation out on the job. So to further test how you do under pressure I'll be making the rest of this little game of ours more realistic."

I flung my arms out to the sides, hands wide open. Bonkers and Dum-Dum each tossed me an automatic fire arm, both of which I caught with expertise and proceeded to lay down a line of fire on the idiots in front of me. "APRIL FOOLS!" I shouted with a bout of maniacal laughter afterwards. They all freaked out and once more dove for cover, most of them getting nicked or grazed in the process. A couple of them got hit and blood began to stain the floor as I continued my assault.

Oh come now, don't give me that look. Does any of this really surprise you? Admit it; you probably knew I was up to something when I kicked off my favorite holiday with just some childish paintball game. Its April fool's day and therefore pranks must be played on people. And what better prank than to start using live rounds on enemies armed with paintball guns and who believe you only have the same? I personally find it hilarious, so there!

The sound of bullets firing came to an end with my ammunition running out. I dropped the guns and pulled a handgun I had hidden in a pocket inside of my coat. All of my little victims were still alive but all had been hit at least once. That is except for one little coward who was crouched in the corner of the room, shaking like a leaf. I advanced on him, savoring the look of fear in his eyes as I stood over him and pointed my gun down at him. He closed his eyes and tried to shield himself with his hands but it was a pointless effort. I pulled the trigger and BANG! Out came a little red flag with, surprise-surprise, the word 'BANG' on it. He froze up and even stopped breathing for a moment. But then I think he figured things out when he realized he still had what little amounts of brains he possessed still inside his head. He looked up at me, completely shell-shocked and I started to laugh. It grew louder and louder and then he started to join in as well, although it sounded nervous and shaky. I knelt down next to him and threw my arm around him, pulling him in as my laughter continued. His became a little stronger and started to show the combination of relief and appreciation for a well played prank.

And then I punched him as hard as I could in the face and left him lying on the floor.

"Well boys, that was a good start to what I know is going to be a great day of pranking Gotham. Bonkers make sure none of these little twits bleed out and have this place cleaned up while I'm gone."

I left the room and returned to my own private quarters to fetch a few necessary items for the day ahead of me. Since I would be out and about I decided to try and work in some side pranks in addition to my bigger targets. Sadly I would be refraining from any crimes today since the last thing I needed was the cops on my tail. Then again, I could always save something along the lines of a crime-related prank for later in the say. But before anything else I had a little tradition to upkeep. Every year I hit Harley with the same old gag. I lure her in with something and set off one of those ingenious little whatchamacallits. A Rube Goldberg machine I think or whatever. It's that ridiculous set up that results in a chain reaction of one thing starting another until you achieve a desired result. I'm sure some of you have seen them used in children's cartoons, at least the good ones with gratuitous amounts of senseless violence. Anyway I always trick Harley into setting one of them off and then catch the whole thing on camera; so far I've got an entire afternoons worth of clips from the past few years.

The nightmarishly complicated device was set up just outside the hideout, awaiting its victim to set it off. I had left Harley a note telling her to meet me outside because I had a surprise to give her for a special occasion. Don't you just love it when you can bend the truth to mislead people?

As expected I found Harley waiting in the exact spot the note told her to wait for me. I approached her and pulled out a small gift box to hold out to her. "Happy anniversary baby!" I said as sincerely as possible. She looked up at me in confusion, "But Puddin' it's not our anniversary."

"Well perhaps not just yet but it's getting close" I said in response, "I just couldn't wait to give this to you so I decided we could celebrate a little early this year. Like an eleven-sixteenths anniversary sort of thing. After all what we have is just too special to not celebrate it whenever we can."

"Aww, that's so sweet! You're the best Mr. J!" She gushed as she took the gift from me, buying the senseless drivel I gave with it hook, line and sinker. She tore open the box and took out a remote control with a single big red button on it. "What's this?" She asked me.

"Why it's a special surprise I threw together just for you. Go ahead, press it." I told her while I got out my camera to capture the moment.

Without even taking a moment to think it over, big shocker, Harley pushed the red button. This activated a little set up on the roof which raised a large magnifier up and angled it to catch the sunlight in just the right way. A beam of concentrated sunlight lit the fuse to a string of firecrackers dangling from the branch of a tree. The firecrackers went off, agitating a nearby hornets' nest. The pissed off little bugs came out and swarmed around the nearest living thing, which were my hyenas that were napping beneath the tree. Bud and Lou got up and ran from their attackers, stepping on a pressure plate that I had placed in front of them. This activated a pitching machine which shot a baseball towards a target I had placed on the side of the hideout. The ball hit the bulls-eye and activated the final piece of the device. A life-size and very realistic cutout of that weirdo the Creeper sprung up right next to Harley. Upon seeing one of her least favorite people in the world she screamed and pulled out her boxing-glove gun to shoot it. However I had anticipated that she'd do that and had rigged it to fire backwards. So instead the boxing glove shot out and clocked her right in the kisser, knocking her out.

I stopped recording and put my camera away. Later on I'd show the video to her for a good laugh but for now I needed to use her unconscious body to my own devices. No I'm not referring to anything nasty you little pervert so get those thoughts out of your head! I have something much more entertaining in mind anyway.

A short while later I was at Ivy's hideout near the toxic waste dump. I had Harley with me, still out cold and tucked away in a cozy dog carrier; the kind for larger breeds for airplane travel or whatever. I knocked on the door and was shortly after greeted by Poison Ivy herself, not that I should expect anyone else to answer the door but it wouldn't surprise me at all if she had some poor sap who she had brainwashed or even a plant person roaming about. And as to be expected she was not at all pleased to see me. Something that I could exploit by being overly happy to see her, just to get on her nerves.

"Pammie my dear! Good to see you! Now I know it's a bit last minute but I need a favor of you. I have some errands to run and need someone to watch over Harley." I said with a sickeningly friendly attitude while I put the dog carrier with Harley in it down in front of her. "Now she's already had her breakfast and is napping at the moment. But when she wakes up she's going to need some exercise so make sure to take her for walkies. Just make sure she doesn't interact with any strays while you're out, I don't need her getting fleas again. I'll be back at the end of the day to pick her up. Ta-ta!"

I turned and took off before she could say or do anything in response. As I put more and more distance between us I turned to look back at her and called out. "Oh and one more thing. I'm testing a new drug on her so she might be a bit more hyperactive than usual. Make sure to make note of any other affects it has on her will you?" I said before cackling and picking up the speed as I got further away.

Surprisingly enough I wasn't pursued by Ivy for even a second. Maybe she liked the idea of having Harley locked up in a small cage and unconscious. It wouldn't surprise me considering how often I have to retrieve my dear little lady from that cynic little redhead. Oh well no matter. I have bigger fish to fry, and I do mean bigger. My next targets are going to be one Commissioner Gordon and a certain fat detective by the name of Bullock.

As I got closer to the GCPD I began to exercise far more caution than I normally would. It was a combination of not wanting to be caught before I could achieve my goal and the little fact that the fuzz have gotten wise to me snooping in and out of their HQ back around the end of last year. So I wouldn't doubt that they have tightened up their security a little bit.

I was sitting in a car across the street. I'm not sure whose it was but the moron had left the door unlocked so it was practically begging to be hotwired and taken out for a joyride. I plan on returning it of course, but not before using up every last drop of gas in it first and turning the volume on the radio all the way up to give the owner a nice little surprise. I might even throw a stink bomb under the hood just to screw with them some more. It's amazing just how many ways you can mess with a person by just using their car.

I saw movement across the street. It looked like Bullock was about to head out for a donut run or something. Knowing him it was bound to be food related. He got into his car and started to head up the street. I let him get a fair head start and then I began to tail him. To my surprise he drove past each and every fast food restaurant and donut shop on his little trip. Turns out he was headed for the docks. Perfect.

He pulled over not too far from one of the warehouses and got out of his car. I parked a bit further away and waited until I knew he wouldn't see me before getting out to follow him. Keeping my distance I notice him start to behave more stealthily. Or at least as stealthy as a man his size can be. It was the perfect opportunity for me to catch him off guard. I pulled out a rag and a small bottle of chloroform that I had in my pocket. If you're wondering why I didn't just use that on Harley the answer is simply because it wouldn't have been anywhere near as fun. Anyway I doused the rag with the contents of the bottle and snuck up behind Bullock. I waited for the right moment and pounced, swinging my arm around his fat neck and shoving the rag in his face. It took a moment but the big lug went down.

I stood there for just a second to admire my work. I had gotten quite the feeling of accomplishment from what I had just done. Probably the same thing a big game hunter must feel when they take down a bear. Although I certainly don't want the pelt off of this filthy beast. Although I will be putting his hide to good use in a manner of speaking. Do you recall how I had Harley manipulate him during our little New Year's party not so long ago? Well it's time to do it again, but with me pulling the strings this time.

I had to run back to the car to get the 'borrowed' equipment I had gotten from the Mad Hatter back then. I situated the control chip in Bullock's hat and put it back on his head, with a good dose of super glue to make sure it didn't fall off for any reason. I then put the headband controller onto my own head, the little device now upgraded courtesy of Jervis himself. He was more than eager to lend a hand when I offered him another 'seven minutes in heaven' with Harley. So now there was a special visor that would allow me to see and hear whatever my puppet does. And now with my next big prank all set it was time to wreak some havoc. I activated the equipment after returning to where I had parked and got to work. It was a little difficult but I managed to walk bullock back to his car and then I climbed into the driver's seat of the one I had in order to make him do the same.

The next part was easy. I made him start his car, only pretending to do so from my position and then made him drive back towards the GCPD. On the way I made him stop by a couple of drive thrus and had him spend every penny he had on food. By the time he got back to my chosen destination he had bags of burgers and fries from three different fast food places, three dozen donuts and a bucket of fried chicken.

It took some effort to get him to carry his purchases inside so I just made him run in and out of the police department like an idiot carrying one thing at a time. The looks he was getting were just too much and I almost couldn't keep myself from laughing. I set down everything on his desk and just made him pig out. Manners were ignored, food was chewed with an open mouth and more and more of his meal was ending up either on the floor or smeared on his face. I even made him make the most obscene comments to anyone who was looking over at him. They were so nasty in fact that the author wasn't allowed to repeat them when he wrote this.

By the time I had made Bullock go through the majority of his food, Commissioner Gordon himself came over, looking none too pleased to see the fat man. "Bullock what in the world do you think you're doing? I thought I just sent you out to check on that lead we got on those drug traffickers from Metropolis!"

Ooh, now that's a juicy little tidbit of information I just heard. I'll have to look into a way for me to profit from that somehow; but that'll be for another day. Right now it was time to pull off the climax of this little charade I was putting on. I noticed that Bullock had some gum in his desk and made him cram every piece of it into his mouth and chew it noisily before I answered for him.

"Yeah I went there and met those guys. They're pretty great. They slipped me some cash to just walk away and even said they'd give me more if I just kept ignoring what they're up to down there. You should get in on it Gordon, it's a really good deal!"

Gordon looked positively dumbstruck by what he had just heard. But once he processed it his face went beet red and I could see a vein bulging on his fore head as he began shout. "That had better be some kind of joke Bullock because if you're serious I'm going to…"

"You're going to what? Burst an artery old man? Lighten up; you know I made the right call. We need those drug dealers out there to supply the people of Gotham with a little something to take their minds off of their stressful lives. Especially with the piss poor job you do of keeping criminals off of the street." I made Bullock say before spitting the now thoroughly chewed up gum into his hand and then proceeded to stick it right in Gordon's moustache.

"There, now you have an excuse to trim that hippie lip of yours. You can thank me later."

That seemed to put the old man over the edge. He looked like he was about to go on another ranting tirade but I cut him off before he could start by having Bullock shove him over, earning me the bonus of having his daughter, who had just happened to drop by, rush over to his side in concern. An idea popped into my head and I snatched a jelly filled donut from one of the open boxes on Bullock's desk. I had him step behind her and stuff the pastry down the back of her pants, immediately gaining her attention.

"Hey! What the hell are you doing!?"

"Don't worry red." I had Bullock say to her. "I plan on taking it back out, with my teeth."

That little comment earned a slap to Bullock's face from the infuriated girl. I grinned wickedly and had bullock grab her by the wrist. "Kiddo, that's not how you slap someone. _This_ is how you slap someone!" I had him say before making him use his free hand to give her a slap on the ass, right where the donut was stashed. She screamed and escaped from his grasp, turning to glare daggers at him. I just had him lick his lips and then grin perversely in return. "Whoops, forgot about that. That's alright though, I can still get it. I'll just need to use my tongue now instead."

Once those words left his mouth I just couldn't stop myself. I burst out laughing and would've added a few more obscene comments if not for the fact that Gordon was back up on his feet and looking ten times angrier than he had before.

"_BULLOCK!"_

And that's my cue for a hasty exit. Thankfully the fatso can move fast when he needs to. I was able to keep him from being caught and got him to run outside and down the street with Gordon and a few other cops hot on his tail. They started to close in on him and I had him do a mad dash across the street only to suddenly have the image display on the visor get all screwy on me. After a couple of seconds it cleared up and there was a view of the street to one side and several pairs of feet coming into view. There was a lot of talking going on and it soon became clear to me that I may have accidentally ran Bullock in front of a moving vehicle. I'm not exactly sure of how baldy he's been hurt or whether he's even alive at this point but no matter what it's certainly a nice little bonus for me. Plus I can consider it charity work too. Just think of how much more food will be around now that I've eliminated a key source in the world hunger issue!

Anyway let's return to what's really important at this moment in time. I must sadly give up the idea of running my now useless and overweight puppet around the city to harass people at random. It's most likely for the best I suppose. After all I have a rather elusive goal to try and accomplish today. Normally I'd heckle some of the other criminals on this glorious day, such as some worthless street punks or perhaps even another infamous villain such as Penguin or Two-Face. But there is a much bigger target I'm after. Someone who has always managed to foil my plans time and time again for as long as I can remember. This year I am finally going to prank Batman!

-X-

About an hour or so later I had returned to my hideout to get some items of use. The day was far from over but that just gave me time to prepare. Batsy never really seems to be around in the daytime unless he's needed so I have until dusk to try and rig some traps and set up a few other goodies for the weirdo. If all goes well then I might even get him more than once before the day is done but let's not start being unrealistic. The trouble with Batsy is that he's always a step ahead of me. Even when I think I've gotten him he always escapes or turns the tables in his favor. So I'll have to give it my all if I want to truly best him today. This will mean that I shall automatically eliminate anything he's already aware of. So no squirting flowers or joy buzzers, not that I've ever gotten him with them anyway. And it can't be anything too extreme either. I want him to live through it so he can always have the memory of what happened with him. He has to feel shame or embarrassment from it and more importantly he must carry it with him until we cross paths again. I want out next meeting afterwards to be one that he brings a grudge to me with. But above all else I want to see him after suffering a massive blow to his ego, to see him with the knowledge that I finally bested him after countless failures. I want to be able to brag about it, to coast on the success from it for a long time. It must be the absolute best prank that has ever been pulled by me or anyone else!

The mere thought of all of this is just too enticing. I'm getting so excited that I just may literally burst if I don't so something about it! I started to laugh as idea after idea came to me, each one as ingenious as the last. Before I knew it I had to stop or I wouldn't be able to decide which one to start with. I selected the ideas I liked best, gathered what I would need for them and then ran off to get started. Batsy will wish he had stayed indoors today when I'm finished with him!

-X-

It took hours to set up everything I would need. I am proud to say that there are now three wonderfully maniacal little traps awaiting Gotham's caped crusader. All I needed to do now was lure him in and get him to set them off. And what better way to get his attention than with a little mayhem? It is time to unleash my brilliance upon the poor, pathetic people of this city!

I started things off by finding a filled parking lot and started to set off car alarms. The noise would lure unsuspecting fools out and right into my line of sight. Soon enough there was enough targets for me to play with and I made my move. I, along with my cowardly little follower Twitchy, tore out into the lot in his van. The back doors were wide open and I was situated at them, armed with my latest recipe in pie weaponry. I began to whip my delectable projectiles at the soon to be poor victims of my prank. For those of you who aren't familiar with this then allow me to explain. Normally these pies are set to detonate and cause some pretty impressive collateral damage. But for today I've set up a nice twist. So now when they explode they instead unleash a nasty little substance that expands and hardens, trapping any who are misfortunate enough to be caught in it. Already I could see my victims become ensnared by the engorged pastry filling. Who knows, maybe a few people will even die from this. Too bad I couldn't stick around to see what happens, but I have to keep this chaos going.

My next target was the first national bank of Gotham. As we went by I threw one of my regular pies at the windows in front, making it explode in a wondrous shower of glass and other debris. Once the opening had been made I tossed in my newer pies at the people inside and then went on to my next target.

As you may very well imagine it didn't take long for the police to come after us, but between my expertise in pie throwing and Twitchy's uncanny ability to drive like a lunatic, we made short work of them. And by this time I would believe that I've done more than enough to gain a certain someone's attention. I had Twitchy drop me off near my first trap and then it was a simple matter of waiting.

Time passed by steadily. At first it was just a couple of minutes, but then the wait became longer and longer and the next thing I knew the sun was starting to set! I was starting to become very impatient and looked in every direction for Batman. My impatience soon gave way to paranoia, for all I knew he was already there. He could be hidden away in the shadows cast by the setting sun, just waiting for me to turn my back and let my guard down. But just as the sky was darkening more and the stars emerged I came to the conclusion that, for whatever reason, Batsy wasn't there and wasn't coming after me. Because if he had been, he would have definitely found me by now. It wasn't like I was hiding after all.

"That's it! Screw this!" I shouted, "If he won't come to me then I'll just go to find him! I'll lure him back here and teach his arrogant, cape-wearing ass a lesson he'll never forget! Nobody stands up the Joker! NOBODY!"

I began my search up on the roof of the Gotham City Police Department. Luckily it wasn't too far from one of my other traps and I could signal him with that stupid oversized flashlight. Once he showed up it would simply be a matter of getting him to follow me and timing everything else just right. At least I know in the end that this will all be worth it.

It wasn't too long of a wait; he emerged from the shadows and walked calmly up to me. I could already tell that he must have something planned and readied myself to run the moment he tried something. In the time it took for him to arrive I went through a few different escape plans and was prepared to pull a few of my usual tricks should I find myself backed into a corner.

"Well it's about time! Don't you know it's rude to keep people waiting Batsy?" I said in a mocking tone. He just stood there, acting like nothing serious was going on. I wasn't even picking up on his usual serious and ever-ready attitude that he has when it came to me. If I didn't know any better I would have thought he didn't recognize me.

"What do you want Joker?" He asked sounding as if he couldn't possibly care less about it. "I have more important things to take care of than whatever ridiculousness you happen to be up to."

"Is that so? Well Batsy I'll make this quick. Since you clearly aren't aware of what's been happening today I'll clue you in. A certain someone has been going around and tormenting the people of this city with some dangerous desserts. And I'll give you a hint about who it was too."

"There's no need for that, I already know who the culprit is and I'm in the middle of apprehending him. Calendar-Man won't be getting away with what he's done today."

Wait….what!? Did he really just say what I think he said? Because I really hope he didn't and it's just one of the voices in my head. "Calendar-Man?! Did you just say that Calendar-Man is the one you think is responsible!?" I spat out, just barely controlling myself. Batsy turned and began to walk away, "You sound surprised Joker. It's obvious that he's the madman behind those attacks earlier. He always comes out on the holidays and since it's April Fool's day it only makes sense that he'd pull such a senselessly dangerous prank on innocent people. Now if you'll excuse me I need to keep looking for him. Unless you happen to know his whereabouts."

Oh hell no! This is not funny and more importantly it isn't fair! How could he possibly dare to think that I, the clown prince of crime, am not the one responsible and instead give credit to that…that pathetic excuse for a maniac! I will not stand for this despicable error in his judgment! I'm going to make sure that credit is given where credit is due! I ran after him and grabbed his shoulder, making him turn to face me.

"Now just hold on one second there you! I'll have you know that it was me who did those pie-flinging drive-bys earlier! You got that!? _I'M_ the one you're looking for!"

"Sure you are," he said as he pulled away from me. "And I suppose you're also the one responsible for Harvey Bullock's little accident earlier too."

"Of course I was! How can you possibly not suspect me for anything on today of all days! This is my Christmas for crying out loud! You should be ready to accuse me for every kitten stranded up in a tree! If something went on today that seems like the work of any known criminal in Gotham history then the first person you should try to accuse is me, me, ME!"

"And that's all that I needed to hear."

Batsy swung his fist at me, aiming straight for my face. I was barely able to move out of the way in time and hastily turned to run for it. The sound of his footsteps caught up with me and I couldn't help but smile and laugh. "I knew it! I just knew you wouldn't let me down! Catch me if you can Batsy!"

I quickly went to make use of my escape route. Like many of the larger buildings in the city there was a fire escape on the side, leading down into an alley. I flew down it as fast as my legs could carry me and then bolted out onto a side street. Batsy was right behind me, I could practically feel his breath on the nape of my neck as I ran towards my first trap. I turned into another alleyway and ran more than halfway down it before coming to a stop and turning around to wait for my victim to arrive. Once Batsy entered the alley as well he became shrouded in the shadows cast by the buildings. It gave him a very foreboding appearance and I would have been quite intimidated if I hadn't been prepared. He was using the dark to his advantage, he almost always does. That's why he's always on the night shift. But there's a rather large disadvantage to that. Have you ever been in a dark room and then have the lights suddenly come on? That's pretty much what I've got planned for the bat, at least for starters. I've got some high powered lights set up all around me and the second I turn them all on Batsy will be as blind as a, well, a bat! I reached into my pocket and took hold of a remote that I had set up to activate all the lights at once with just the simple push of a button. I waited for him to get a little closer and then I pushed the button.

Nothing happened. It was still darker than Batsy's cape and cowl in the alley and he was still advancing on me. I tried the button again and again nothing happened. By this time Batsy was getting too close for comfort and after giving the button one last try I had no choice but to abandon it. I'd just have to try and lure him into a different trap and worry about why this one failed so miserably later. I turned to run again but I heard something flying through the air and suddenly my ankles were caught together and I fell over. Looking down I saw one of those damn toys Batsy always has on him. Two heavy weights on either side of a long, durable rope; a bolas I think or whatever the hell it's supposed to be called. The point is that my legs were caught and I wouldn't be able to get away in time. There wasn't even any point in trying since Batsy was hovering over me before I even knew it.

"You're a real killjoy, you know that Batsy?" I spat from my current position. He glared down at me and reached down to pick me up. He hung me by the back of my coat from the corner of a dumpster and put a little distance between us. A smart move considering that we both knew I was still capable of pulling a trick or two.

"If it's any consolation, it wouldn't have worked even if I hadn't known about it ahead of time. I've been keeping a close eye on you all day. Past years have proven that this is one day when you are the biggest threat to Gotham and this year I was more than prepared for you."

"Come again?" I asked. "Did you just admit to stalking me since this morning? Oh Batsy, you need to get some kind of hobby. Or maybe just get laid. Either way you need to loosen up a bit!"

"Don't change the subject; I know that you have something big planned. Why else would you have gone through so much trouble to try and take me out? You set up three different traps in three separate locations with the obvious intention of using any of them on me. So you must have something in the works if you're trying so hard to eliminate me."

"Eliminate? Oh no Batsy you've got it all wrong! I would never try to eliminate you!" I said as innocently as possible. The glare he gave me practically screamed that he didn't believe me and I rolled my eyes. "Okay so maybe I do have this little fantasy of killing you at some point in time. But that wasn't what I wanted to try to accomplish today, I swear! It was all just some harmless fun. At most you'd probably have to drop your costume off at the dry cleaners. And I'd have some seriously funny images of you to post on the internet, most likely resulting in several villains no longer fearing you, people laughing at you and you just losing any and all respect you've gained over the years. But kill you? The thought hadn't even crossed my mind; at least not today!"

I'm not sure whether he was buying it or not. All that mattered to me was that he was kept distracted while I tried to loosen that damn thing coiled around my ankles. I was making good progress when the cops showed up to take me away. Batsy kept a sharp eye on me as they took me down and got ready to frisk me. Luckily the moment they set me down on my feet I 'accidentally' lost my balance and fell over. This gave me the opportunity to reach into my coat and take out a small, green pellet. I allowed the cops to pull me back onto my feet and then I threw it down at the ground, releasing a noxious cloud of Joker gas. Batsy caught onto my plan quick and pulled out a mask to cover his face so he wouldn't breathe any in. But it was too late for the others. The sound of their laughter filled the alleyway while I got free of that damn thing around my ankles and made a break for it. I knew that Batman would do the right thing and tend to the victims I had left behind before he would come after me again and this time I'd make sure to be ready for him.

But I must admit it was rather disconcerting to know that he was on to my plans the whole day long. I am a bit curious as to why he didn't stop me while I was out pie-flinging but that wasn't important right now. I need to think up a new plan to use on him. Something that will catch him off guard. Something that will pack a real _BANG!_ Something that will positively blow him away!

Hey now, I think I just came up with something. The ultimate prank! And not only will Batsy not be able to stop me, but when he doesn't it'll be more than just him who pays the price! There isn't much time left until midnight, I need to hurry! It's time for the grand finale!

-X-

Hours later I sat outside of the ACE chemicals plant. I had gathered up every last one of my gang members and got them to work. Following my instructions we entered the facility and concocted the mother of all concoctions. Then we loaded it up into ten tankers and drove nine of them to key points in the city, leaving the last one with me in the parking lot. I had made a little phone call to the police, reporting a 'lunatic in the area'. Technically it was the truth, although I have always fancied myself to be more of a maniac. Anyway some police showed up and the moment they got out of their car I picked up a megaphone to address them.

"Don't take a single step further! I've got a volatile mixture of chemicals in this tanker and I will blow it up if you don't listen!" I shouted. They stopped dead in their tracks, just like I wanted. "What's more," I continued "I have nine more of these out in the city somewhere, just waiting to be set off by one of my boys. And I plan on doing it too unless you meet my demands! For starters I want every last cop in the city right here! If I don't see a sty full of pigs within the hour, BOOM!"

That got the message across. I saw one of them fumble with his radio, trying to get hold of his superiors. Much to my joy they didn't hesitate to arrive as soon as possible, Commissioner Gordon himself at the front of the pack with his own megaphone to talk to me.

"We're all here Joker. Every last police officer in Gotham, now what do you want?"

"Next up is my second demand! Bring me Batman!"

This didn't take nearly as long. I saw him pull up in his Batmobile and join Gordon up front. Before either of them could do anything I brought the megaphone back up to my lips. "Good! Now I want to make a few requests of the bat! Don't worry it won't be anything extreme. Hell, I won't even ask him to show us his real face just to show I'm a good sport! But I do want him to know that I have ten ready-to-explode tankers in the city and for starters I want everyone else to know that this is ALL HIS FAULT!"

I allowed a moment of silence to follow to let my words sink in. No doubt almost every one of them thought that I was full of it but what did they know? "Now I bet many of you are wondering just what I'm going on about. Well I'll put it simply, Batman along with each and every officer of your precious law enforcement claim to be protecting people and that they only want peace for Gotham city but let's be realistic, they aren't doing a very good job. I've been arrested hundreds of times! Hundreds! Now just how would that be possible if I didn't escape from Arkham so easily? Hell, there's even been times where criminals are let back out into society because they've 'served their sentence' or 'paid bail'. Am I the only one who thinks it's kind of screwed up that you can get away with murder so long as you can pay for each kill in cash? Sure there's the whole criminal record thing and your face being all over the news, that does make trying to live a decent life a bit of a pain when you have people constantly judging you for it but it's really not that good of a solution. Not to mention that more often than not the police only ever seem to do anything after a crime has been made. But at least they aren't as bad at this city's so called 'hero'!"

I stopped a moment to admire the glare I was getting from him. It felt just so satisfying to see it. But I had to hurry this up. Personal experience has shown me that letting Batsy have time to think eventually ends up biting me in the ass. So I pointed an accusing finger in his direction and glared right back along with a devilish smile to accompany it. "That's right Batsy! You have skills, resources and intelligence! You have single handedly put away more than half of this city's collective criminals at least once including yours truly! But every time you let us end up in the custody of the halfwits standing right behind you! We just end up getting out again, just take me for example. I always end up caught by you and then I always get back out and what then? I hurt people! I kill them! Have you ever stopped to consider how many lives could have been spared if you just did the smart thing for once and ended it? Why don't you just grow a set of balls for once and kill the criminals you waste each and every night hunting down? To prove that you're better than us? Well I hope it's worth it because now I, the clown prince of crime, will devastate this city with the push of a single button! And it's all because you couldn't stop me! _YOU CAN NEVER STOP ME BATSY!_"

I laughed maniacally and pushed the button, setting off my homemade explosive. Throughout the city the other nine also detonated, the roar of explosions filling the air as a blast sent everyone including myself flying ass over teakettle across the parking lot. It was over all too soon and I stood back up to admire my work. I bet by now you're wondering just what happened, well hold on and you'll see in a minute.

Over on the other side of the lot the pigs and bat were coming to their feet and as they did they were all gagging and coughing. I burst out laughing again and ran over, pouncing on Batsy and throwing my arm over his shoulder.

"April fools Batman! You should have seen the look on your face! It was pretty much the same as it always is but that brief moment when you saw me go to detonate my bombs, oh it was priceless! I wish I had gotten it on camera!"

I walked away from him and took a deep breath, gagging a bit and my eyes starting to tear up. "Positively disgusting! Like a mixture of low tide and raw sewage! When I make a stink bomb, I make a _stink bomb_! And right now the whole city is suffering from this noxious stench! The entire atmosphere around Gotham will be polluted from this and every single citizen will suffer! They can't even open their windows for fresh air anymore! My best work yet!"

I'm not really sure if they heard me at all with the way they were struggling to breathe. I myself have grown accustomed to it, I am the one who made the bombs after all. After allowing them a couple of minutes to get used to it I walked right back over and held out my wrists. "Okay, I'm satisfied. You can take me to Arkham now. I've met my mischief quota for at least a week, maybe a week and a half tops."

Now in this situation I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if Batsy had tried to work in a solid punch right in my kisser, but with the way he was heaving I doubt he could've even tried to. The thought of just killing them all while they were suffering crossed my mind, but in all honesty I was just enjoying it too much to let it end. It took Batsy, Gordon and at least two officers to manage to search me for weapons and detain me. Batsy got me into his car and secure me good and grabbed his mask, apparently he left it on the seat. I guess even he can make a careless mistake now and then. But once he got it on he began to drive me to the asylum, reminding me that I did have the right to remain silent and that if I knew what was good for me I would employ it.

Soon enough I was back inside of cell, hearing hateful threats and insults being slung at me. Even the isolated piece of land that the asylum was on hadn't been spared from the stench. But I just laid back and blissfully reminisced about the day I had. The way I shot up my cronies this morning and then made Harley knock herself out. My little puppet show with Bullock and the pie-flinging van ride. Oh yeah, leaving Harley in a dog carrier at Ivy's for the day after giving her that new drug….

Oh crap! How did I not think of that! Of all the foolish things I could've done! How could I possibly have been so stupid?

What in the world am I going to do to outdo myself next year!?

End.


End file.
